Crib Death

[just mercedes]

Crib Death

I understand the extended metaphor, and the second metaphor, but overall the poem feels a bit self-conscious to me. Some great sounds and images, but uneasily mixed with others not as strong. The misgivings that opened the poem vanish straight away, and the poem journeys from a (real) bed through a (metaphorical)temple to a (metaphorical) ocean and shipwreck.

Misgivings awoke were they asleep? why did they wake up?
to seed a thunderhead I can't imagine the action here - I know it can be done but I can't picture it
beneath our bed’s canopy. even a metaphorical thunderhead would have problems fitting under a bed canopy.
Our quicksilver clouds transmuted clever play with words, but 'quicksilver' and 'thunderhead' describe very different cloud formations to me - a thunderhead being almost static
to hammer and anvil a cloud becomes a hammer/anvil? difficult to combine the two images for me
to wrought old passion'wrought' is past tense - present tense and infinitive form is the word 'work' - therefore this line should be 'to work old passion'
into rapiers.is this the right word? I connect rapiers with wit rather than sorrow or anger.

Time for intimacy lapsed, 'lapsed' doesn't give me the disintegration you speak of
its cogs and springs strewn
amid ruin of bed linens. ruin? surely they're just untidy?
Pitons that toppled 'pitons' are a metal spike driven in to give safe attachments for climbing gear - they are hit into place with a hammer but aren't themselves a tool.
our temple's clock-tower
oxidize within marble wounds.where are these wounds, now that the temple has been toppled?

Gargoyles of doubt squatted 'gargoyle' is a very concrete image to use with the abstract 'doubt'
on mahogany bedposts, roiling
quiescent waters below. My vessel lies Now the temple has been demolished the scene changes to the ocean?
breached on uncharted reefs,
awaiting your sea monsters
that frequent them.I don't think this final line is needed - I like the way it ends, with 'sea monsters'.