Crib Death

[tectak]

Thanks for giving it the ole poetic mentor try Tom. I thought that opening metaphor was properly stitched together: Stormy weather and failing relationships fit like puzzle pieces to me. Once that storms hits the sack, all is beyond salvation (that's the bed and canopy serving as sky). Cumulonibus thunderheads are anvil-shaped my friend. Taking a hammer to that anvil gives you thunder. You can also seed fair whether cumulus clouds with silver Iodide and induce storm cumulonimbus clouds. Hence, the meteorology, the metal work, perhaps a bit of alchemy at work. Moreover, a poisoned sky/relationship grown toxic is implied. Finally, what better to smith than swords (as passion is replaced with sharp words) for a dueling couple. How could that metaphor be any better or clearer?

In stanza two, don't tell me that columns can't be toppled with proper hammers and chisels (they were hewed out with them in the first place). I could do without the temple I suppose, but I need the clock-tower for the time references.

In stanza three, I was avoiding using 'once quiescent', but I add that back for clarity. Them? Inhabiting them thar reefs of course!

I will work it some more, but check out my explanations and please re-read, thanks! Bring back the name of a cold chisel that can chip away at a column, would you...

Hi Chris,
One of the first things that I learned off my own back (nobody told me) was THE most painful lesson of all...if you have to explain your poetry, DON'T.
Blame the reader then re-write it.
Best,
Tectak