Crib Death

[Erthona]

Chris,

I generally agree with Tom on this. I've re-wrought the first stanza, and it confirmed my initial assessment. While clever, this is uninspired

Suspicions awoke;
seeding a thunderhead
beneath our bed’s canopy.
Quicksilver clouds transformed
into hammer and anvil
to re-work resentments
into rapiers.

Tom Wrote: "but I cannot crit this using any yardstick that would measure solid parameters"

There are a lot of things wrong with this, too be sure, but I think what Tom senses, but doesn't say is as I've already said, it is clever (if over-wrought) but not inspired. This is totally a mental creation. I think if you corrected any problems with it, it would still fall flat, as does my re-worked S1 above.

Sorry to be so terse, would like to say more (not that I am sure it would do any good), but have to run,

Dale
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wrought=created;fabricated;fashioned, archaic when used as past tense for work.

"Bring back the name of a cold chisel that can chip away at a column, would you..." "stone chisel(s)" All chisels are cold unless it is used to cut heated metal, such as is done in sword making when one folds metal again and again.

A piton is not a chisel it is a piton, used for mountain climbing, not for bringing mountains down.