Crib Death

[tectak]

Crib Death

Misgivings awoke
to seed a thunderhead
beneath our bed’s canopy.A huge metaphor needs the realistion of huge meaning. I guess that's what disturbs this opener. You combine so many apparently connected abstract thoughts (in your head) that the simplicity of the central metaphor gets convoluted out of existence. We have wakening (from sleep?), seeding (from science), thunderheads (from meteorology) and where is it all? Under the bedclothes. But I can see where this is going and I will try to limit myself to understanding one metaphor at a time.
Our quicksilver clouds transmuted Yikes! This is too rich for me...surreal imagery has the advantage of being anything you want it to be and then some though I cannot keep up with clouds to hammer and anvil to wrought-ing passion into rapiers. I appreciate your style, Chris, but you are top-heavy with intent and and in danger of tipping over.
to hammer and anvil
to wrought old passion Difficult word, wrought. It is an archaic past tense of "to work" and so must mean "worked".Try to fit in the word "worked" and you get the point. Not wrong, just...er....difficult.
into rapiers.

Time for intimacy lapsed,
its cogs and springs strewn
amid ruin of bed linens. ...but this I like. We are behaving like human beings again. ruins. linen.
Pitons that toppled
our temple's clock-tower
oxidize within marble wounds.Now far be it from me to suggest this...but are you taking the piss Chris? I know what a piton is and what it can and cannot do. Toppling clock towers (on a TEMPLE?) is not one of the uses I have come across. Removing boy-scouts from horses' hooves, maybe, but temple toppling....nahh. All is opinion, but for me this is just one metaphoric maze with no way out.

Gargoyles of doubt squatted
on mahogany bedposts, roiling roiling and quiescent do not make good bedfellows...see, I can do it, too.
quiescent waters below. My vessel lies
breached on uncharted reefs,
awaiting your sea monsters
that frequent them.Them? Them....what them?

Chris,
It is wordy to no great effect. For what it is you may decide to let it rest because I suspect that you, like me, can admit to a liking for the sound of words. If so, then so be it....but I cannot crit this using any yardstick that would measure solid parameters... it is just too inflated with gas and has filled any space in to which it is put. Gas is like that
Best,
tectak