Your Hearth

[RiverNotch]

[quote='RiverNotch' pid='165773' dateline='1401116487']
Edit 1.75 (An unfinished edit taking to account others' suggestions. This condenses some of the ideas, and tries to add a greater sense of depth to the subject)
[spoiler]
Cold winds may blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart may freeze into icy glass,
but cheerful still is your hearth.

Thick mists may blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies may dim their lights,
but brilliant still is your hearth.


RiverNotch, Regarding edit 1.75, the use of ‘may’ and ‘still’ actually dilutes the strength of your lines. I believe it reads better, thusly:

Cold winds blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart freezes into icy glass,
but cheerful is your hearth.

Thick mists blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies dim their lights,
but brilliant is your hearth.

See what you think. Good luck with your edit./Chris

I suggest fixing the refrain which seems to contain a linguistic inversion. But your hearth is cheerful would work better in my opinion.

I agree that using both "still" and "may" did dilute the lines' power, although removing both of them altogether seems to remove a sense of constancy to the poem. Perhaps removing "may" but leaving in "still" may work better?
I dunno about fixing the refrain, though, as the inversion seems to work for me.

"I wonder about the relationship in this poem, the one between the speaker and the person being addressed. Is that a relationship we should be able to name: mother, lover, friend? Or is it the feeling of the relationship that's the most important, the one of timelessness, of welcoming through the gloom?

I'm also wondering about how impersonal some of the images and metaphors in the poem feel -- maybe not impersonal, but disconnected from either particular person in the poem. It seems to me like "these golden years", "the flames of love", "the heart", "the wide-eyed soul" could all belong either to the speaker, the person being addressed, or both. Did you intent for these images/metaphors to do double duty, to potentially describe both people? Or should they be more connected to one or the other? Actually, I have another question: when I first read the poem I figured these things - flames of love, heart, etc. - had to belong to the speaker or the addressed, but now I'm wondering if these are meant to be general, humanity-wide descriptions. Is "your hearth" supposed to be cheerful and welcoming to everybody, or just to the speaker, who has a special connection with it?

I'm asking because I think the current effect is interesting, but a little bit distancing. And because I'm wondering if I'm reading the poem wrong, and if other readers might get confused by this distance. "

Not a relationship that's supposed to be name-able, though it was inspired by one; so yes, it's the feeling that's most important; to the whole second paragraph, I've no need nor any plans comment; point is you're reading the poem as something like "I'm lost, but you're there, so blah", so even if you can't really get into the specifics, at least you're already getting it enough: the distancing effect in this case ain't, to me, a-seeming to deal damage to the audience.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll be able to move on to edit 2.0 anytime soon; my computer broke in the damned summer's heat, and now I'm forced to borrow or rent others' machines, which robs me of precious time. I'll try, though.