06-02-2014, 12:15 PM
[b]This is really good. Here are a few things I noticed
(05-26-2014, 08:32 AM)71degrees Wrote: She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass Maybe use something other than beer. The point is that the beer is his enemy and possibly killing him. "pour the poison" or something like that could have more impact
as sure as her key slips into a lock.
She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep. "the thickening scars" is hauntingly beautiful. Anyone who has struggled with alcohol knows what you mean. Really nice wording!
Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes. Love the ending. I assume you wanted it to show that the mother had always been right about the man. I really like how you conveyed that though. I was almost reminded of the film The birds and how the birds just sit on the wires watching people. Creepy, but really nice
I write what I see. Write to make it right, don't like where I be. I'd like to make it like the sights on TV. Quite the great life, so nice and easy.

