Asahi

[LorettaYoung]

On that bus from Toronto,
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold,
and a park built just for dogs to play, -- This seems like a verbose way to express the phrase "dog park" though it seems to conform to a type of meter it almost seems like a series of three cretic feet but I suppose that doesn't matter much. You might want to try using objects in a dog park to represent the idea if that is what you are trying to convey.
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay. -- You may want to put okay in quotes. I suppose that is your call.

I think the ok at the end vindicates the poem, thanks for posting.

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Hi: I to like the moment feeling; but the last 2 lines are confusing. I understand that you were trying to express non-verbal communication; "I think I might have" is too much to say for Perhaps. And the last line; the writer would know, even non-verbally what the head on her shoulder felt. I think these lines briefer and clearer would make this sweet. Loretta