06-01-2014, 07:51 AM
"Darkness has swallowed me hole" is that Popeye talking about Olive Oil?
I also like the totally senseless on again, off again, punctuation.
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"Within me they flourish and call, for my end..." Is this anything like "me hole"?
I also like the non-rhymes "told" - "told", and forced rhyme "in stories to be told". I don't believe I've ever seen a non-rhyme and a forced rhyme within the same rhyme before, quite astounding.
Yet then on top of that forced couplets with off rhyme:
"So I pray, as all do
I do, without a clue
My fears are true and true,
and as such I call a truce"
My favorite line is "the wicked and senseless". Is that "senseless wickedness", or wickedly senseless.
To misquote:
"My fears are true and true
I do, write this poem without a clue."
Sorry, there is simply nothing to salvage. Maybe you need to write you next poem on a scale a little less grand (but not a love poem). Maybe first, look at some other people's poems and offer what critique you can. Look for lack of clarity in a poem, if you notice that, comment on it. Maybe learn some form poems to start, like limericks. Sometimes too much freedom...or any at all is a bad thing.
Welcome aboard,
Dale
I also like the totally senseless on again, off again, punctuation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"Within me they flourish and call, for my end..." Is this anything like "me hole"?
I also like the non-rhymes "told" - "told", and forced rhyme "in stories to be told". I don't believe I've ever seen a non-rhyme and a forced rhyme within the same rhyme before, quite astounding.
Yet then on top of that forced couplets with off rhyme:
"So I pray, as all do
I do, without a clue
My fears are true and true,
and as such I call a truce"
My favorite line is "the wicked and senseless". Is that "senseless wickedness", or wickedly senseless.
To misquote:
"My fears are true and true
I do, write this poem without a clue."
Sorry, there is simply nothing to salvage. Maybe you need to write you next poem on a scale a little less grand (but not a love poem). Maybe first, look at some other people's poems and offer what critique you can. Look for lack of clarity in a poem, if you notice that, comment on it. Maybe learn some form poems to start, like limericks. Sometimes too much freedom...or any at all is a bad thing.
Welcome aboard,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.