05-30-2014, 03:37 PM
Hello all, sorry for the delay. I've been living my life for the past week or so, still writing but unable to workshop. I'm happy to address the issues many of you had with my work. It is indeed in need of editing.
First, RSaba's suggestion that I'd "consider formatting it in more of a poem style- splitting up some lines, etc."
I've thought about that considerably, though the style of this poem was heavily influenced by the works of Whitman and Ginsberg, who didn't shy away from long, flowing lines of verse. It was originally written as prose-poetry.
I can say, however, that I enjoyed the style much more upon writing it than I do reading it. And I think the poem is in need of editing because of that fact.
As for the other critiques, they were helpful, but I feel that writing a new draft is the best response to them. This, I hope, is not seen as an insult. It's just rather useless to say "I understand" or "I respectfully disagree."
That being said, in this poem I did try to present a subject that was, literally, no more than the sum of his parts. A brain, some hands, a pair of eyes, and nothing more. Such a portrait frightens me, and I like it. There were some experiments in the poem which I feel did not work. I'll do my best to come up with another draft and repost it.
First, RSaba's suggestion that I'd "consider formatting it in more of a poem style- splitting up some lines, etc."
I've thought about that considerably, though the style of this poem was heavily influenced by the works of Whitman and Ginsberg, who didn't shy away from long, flowing lines of verse. It was originally written as prose-poetry.
I can say, however, that I enjoyed the style much more upon writing it than I do reading it. And I think the poem is in need of editing because of that fact.
As for the other critiques, they were helpful, but I feel that writing a new draft is the best response to them. This, I hope, is not seen as an insult. It's just rather useless to say "I understand" or "I respectfully disagree."
That being said, in this poem I did try to present a subject that was, literally, no more than the sum of his parts. A brain, some hands, a pair of eyes, and nothing more. Such a portrait frightens me, and I like it. There were some experiments in the poem which I feel did not work. I'll do my best to come up with another draft and repost it.