Old Love (edit #1)

[billy]

i can't see too much with the 2nd stanza but was left with a huge pause after the first line, a suggestion would be [but] or [then] instead of [they].

i think the starting of many line with [the] their] etc. take something away from the piece. mainly in the first stanza.

They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin[s],
the butt pat[s] and shoulder touch[es].
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

Edit #1

They count each other's faded scars.
They swallow their losses and repack this line doesn't work that well for me. it feels like it wants to have some continuity with the 1st line. [it feels too abrupt] it's the first word of the line that screws it up so a suggestion would be to see if anything can be done with that part, the 2nd part is fine.
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling i'd suggest [with] instead of [their] to help the trasition to the next line.
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Their fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden this ties in well wit the 3rd line.
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
they giggle and dance the two-step.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.