Old Love (edit #1)

[Brownlie]

(Inspired by Under the Porchlight and Young Folks in Love.)

You do some interesting stuff here and I think there is some meat left here, but I may be taking the whole thing the wrong way. The idea of lines and facial expressions were the most compelling aspects of this poem to me.

Edit #1

They count each other's faded scars. -- It seems a metaphor like this (if it is supposed to be a metaphor) would work best subtly so the reader is grounded in the senses before experiencing the metaphor.
They swallow their losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance. -- There appear to be some varying metrics here you may want to examine.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin, ---This is very cool, because the letters make it so you have to grin when the quotations are said.
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, their kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck. -- You may want to consider pinning the abstractions to more precise statements that demonstrate them, though they may be your best use of conveyance.


Their fingers memorize the growing -- I feel like you might want to end a line with the word "line," but I'm overstepping my bounds here
lines that brought them there, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings, --- Some great stuff going on with this line that ends with the word "endings," has a somewhat irregular metrical pattern to the whole poem, and alludes to death.
they giggle and dance the two-step. -- Very existentialist, you've done what they tried to do in epics and conquered death.


Original

Counting faded scars,
having lost big and repacked
the luggage with new balance,
joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
welcome home grin,
a hand on shoulder or butt pat,
kisses hot enough to heat the long winter,
the knowledge of grace and luck.

Together fifty years or five,
we trace the lines that brought us here,
accepting the value and burden of the deal.
Tickled by the relief of company,
shelving our knowledge that endings
are sad, we giggle and dance while we can.

I don't know hopefully there's something there you can work with. Thanks for posting.