05-30-2014, 04:44 AM
(05-29-2014, 06:27 PM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Love this rich London city-scape Keith.Thanks for taking the time Chris and the typo's. best KeithI think you may want that to be ‘Quiet’ and ‘into’ in stanza 2. Thanks for the post, cheers/Chris
(05-29-2014, 10:06 PM)tectak Wrote:tectak, many thanks for your considered reply I have looked at your comments and made some changes in the edit. I am grateful for the time you have spent on this. Cheers Keith(05-29-2014, 10:18 AM)Keith Wrote: Oh, yes, Keith. Observational poetry and very accomplished. small nits only.Neat petite. I like it a good deal. My points are extra curricula as it doesn't need to stay back after school...only voluntarily.
Best,
Tectak
The scrub of nylon brushes Maybe. "Scrubbing nylon brushes.." to avoid this " the scrub (XXXXXX) scratch the back of dirty streets"
scratch the back of dirty streets,Period. This is really the end of the sentence as you move on in the next line unconnectedly
outside the shops of sagged oak beams with sagged. "of" exemplifies,"with" categorises. Pedantic 'ould prat![]()
untold news is gagged with string.I am envious. A great little line. You may have started a cliche but it ain't one yet. Excellent
Rubbish crushed by talking trucks
reverse the day away of waste, I want it to say "Reverse away a day of waste". Did you? Your poem, small point
underground she groans awake
with gyroscopic legs. She cannot groan WITH her legs but she CAN groan whilst ON them.
Quite queues crave Chai Latte, Typo
commune with phones on robot thumbs.
Wired earplugs have become the source
of force-fields snug inside their heads.
The shelter tells its guests to go,
slow limbs file in to place
and trace the steps they've come to know. solid but meter takes a hammering in this stanza. How important is that? Not very. As I am pedantically fond of pointing out...while the words do all the work, meter can take a rest. The job will still get done
Styles hang without conclusion,
collars fold against the old,
track suits tuck inside cross trainers,
while winkles pick Italian boots.
The sirens handle takes its turn, siren's...but the next line does not help me understand THIS line.
slowly revving into grind,
city life begins to breathe,
clicking feet steps up the beat.
Best,
tectak[/b]
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out


