Old Love (edit #1)

[ellajam]

Well, I've been playing with this, probably to avoid more pressing edits. As usual, unsure if I've sucked the bit of life it had out of it.

Marcella, I understand your ambivalence with the versions. Going to ‘they’ from ‘we’ may have depersonalized the poem a bit. The second version also has more a clinical analysis or texture about it. However, this could just be my read. I do like the 2-step, but again the ‘dance while we can’ sarcasm makes the original have a down to earth appeal. I will read the two versions again for another fresh comparison./Chris

Thanks for reading, Chris. There really wasn't much here to start with and I think the edit, while fun, is probably not a step forward. The change to they was the last thing I did, but even with a change back to we, this may be beyond help.

We count each other's faded scars.
We swallow our losses and repack
the luggage for easier balance.
Joy comes in gleaming nuggets:
the "Glad you're home" grin,
the butt pat and shoulder touch.
Hot kisses heat the winter, our kindling
the knowledge of grace and luck.


Our fingers memorize the growing
lines that brought us here, willing
to accept the value and burden
of all deals made. Tickled by relief
of company, acknowledging sadness
that is as sure to come as endings,
we giggle and dance the two-step.

Meh, even on the two-step.

Care for a jig?