05-29-2014, 11:32 PM
Interesting piece. Very original, which is good. I have mixed feelings about the style, but that is just a personal thing and nothing to do with your actual work.
I might suggest combining the words in the non-punctuated stanzas to form one line. For example, "Inhale air", "Scratch stone", etc. Because right now it is kind of just a collection of words that you put together - which, I suspect, was your intent, but it's very cold and detached. I find myself craving something to hold onto, which this doesn't offer. Why is the last meal cold?
I might suggest combining the words in the non-punctuated stanzas to form one line. For example, "Inhale air", "Scratch stone", etc. Because right now it is kind of just a collection of words that you put together - which, I suspect, was your intent, but it's very cold and detached. I find myself craving something to hold onto, which this doesn't offer. Why is the last meal cold?
(05-27-2014, 10:32 AM)Qdeathstar Wrote: Inhale
Air
Wet. Cool. Still.
Scratch
Stone
Hard. Cruel. Real.
Grasp
Steel
Rust. Cage. Shrill.
Taste
Fate
Last. Cold. Meal.
Know
Death
See. Truth. Kneel.