Asahi

[RSaba]

A sweet moment, but too personal for the reader to fully picture. I'd like to see it, though, just less cryptic.

On that bus from Toronto, TORONTO CANADA YAY
while you dreamed on my shoulder
of Asahi cold and popcorn gold, so you know what she is dreaming of... that's an interesting sentiment but unfortunately what she is dreaming of makes no sense to the reader... is it "golden popcorn" or some other object that is the golden colour of popcorn? I like the rhyming of "cold" and "gold" though, a little internal play within the piece... maybe try and keep that rhythm?
and a park built just for dogs to play,
I think I might have whispered I love you.
I think you might have whispered okay.Sweet ending. I think once the middle makes more sense this piece will come together.