05-28-2014, 08:12 PM
[quote='RiverNotch' pid='165773' dateline='1401116487']
Edit 1.75 (An unfinished edit taking to account others' suggestions. This condenses some of the ideas, and tries to add a greater sense of depth to the subject)
[spoiler]
Cold winds may blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart may freeze into icy glass,
but cheerful still is your hearth.
Thick mists may blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies may dim their lights,
but brilliant still is your hearth.
RiverNotch, Regarding edit 1.75, the use of ‘may’ and ‘still’ actually dilutes the strength of your lines. I believe it reads better, thusly:
Cold winds blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart freezes into icy glass,
but cheerful is your hearth.
Thick mists blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies dim their lights,
but brilliant is your hearth.
See what you think. Good luck with your edit./Chris
Edit 1.75 (An unfinished edit taking to account others' suggestions. This condenses some of the ideas, and tries to add a greater sense of depth to the subject)
[spoiler]
Cold winds may blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart may freeze into icy glass,
but cheerful still is your hearth.
Thick mists may blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies may dim their lights,
but brilliant still is your hearth.
RiverNotch, Regarding edit 1.75, the use of ‘may’ and ‘still’ actually dilutes the strength of your lines. I believe it reads better, thusly:
Cold winds blow through these golden years,
and quench the flames of love.
The heart freezes into icy glass,
but cheerful is your hearth.
Thick mists blind the wide-eyed soul,
from roads unsullied by doubt.
The cloudless skies dim their lights,
but brilliant is your hearth.
See what you think. Good luck with your edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris