05-28-2014, 11:57 AM
First off, thank you for taking the time to read and leave honest comments for those of us that are Newbs. I am both eager and terrified to comment on your work. But I think the spirit of this forum demands it. I will start at the end...
I love the ending (last 6 lines) as it is both climax and thesis at once. But I find myself wanting more of it. Most of the piece is tight and prosaic and I wonder if you could afford yourself a line of indulgent rhapsody somewhere in that ending.
In lines 18,19,20, I'm not sure if moved, moved, move was intentional or had a purpose I didn't spot. Either way, I think it comes across as lazy even if it's genius.
Lastly, for some reason I keep wanting "although I knew he was dead already." to read "but both of us knew he was dead already."
I love the ending (last 6 lines) as it is both climax and thesis at once. But I find myself wanting more of it. Most of the piece is tight and prosaic and I wonder if you could afford yourself a line of indulgent rhapsody somewhere in that ending.
In lines 18,19,20, I'm not sure if moved, moved, move was intentional or had a purpose I didn't spot. Either way, I think it comes across as lazy even if it's genius.
Lastly, for some reason I keep wanting "although I knew he was dead already." to read "but both of us knew he was dead already."