Break the vetkoek edit0.1 erthona,qstar, keith, loretta

[tectak]

Tom,

You might consider writing this in prose, or prose/poetry (whatever that is), which would allow you to include more detail, without each inclusion seeming like a blurb. You could do something like a reflection on her part, like...

"Mbali prods and turns the vetkoeks once, golden in the bubbling pot. She is careful not to let them burn because a burned vetkoek will bring bad luck, as if there were not enough of that already. Burned vetkoeks makes her think of her brother Ebo's head; bent over the braided cord held between his feet. Maybe all the bad luck they have had is because they are both burnt vetkoeks, and luck only comes at the end of life, a life where being alive means to suffer and endure..."

Not great, but it's not my story, but I think you get the drift (Probably would have anyway). I'd give it a try if the poetic approach feels too constrained, and it seems like there is much more you would like to include.
Anyway, to me this seems more like a story, rather than just a thought to be examined. It would allow you the time to develop the characters (she seems like an interesting character), rather than just focus on the idea of past injustices.
Just a thought.

Cheers,


Dale

---

Tom,

You might consider writing this in prose, or prose/poetry (whatever that is), which would allow you to include more detail, without each inclusion seeming like a blurb. You could do something like a reflection on her part, like...

"Mbali prods and turns the vetkoeks once, golden in the bubbling pot. She is careful not to let them burn because a burned vetkoek will bring bad luck, as if there were not enough of that already. Burned vetkoeks makes her think of her brother Ebo's head; bent over the braided cord held between his feet. Maybe all the bad luck they have had is because they are both burnt vetkoeks, and luck only comes at the end of life, a life where being alive means to suffer and endure..."

Not great, but it's not my story, but I think you get the drift (Probably would have anyway). I'd give it a try if the poetic approach feels too constrained, and it seems like there is much more you would like to include.
Anyway, to me this seems more like a story, rather than just a thought to be examined. It would allow you the time to develop the characters (she seems like an interesting character), rather than just focus on the idea of past injustices.
Just a thought.

Cheers,


Dale

No. Like you, too tired and I would tend to go on a bit.
Best,
tectak