05-28-2014, 12:21 AM
This reminds me of a poem I wrote about Darfur, where 11/12 years old girls get pregnant with Janjaweed babies. I thought this both poignant and ironic. By the use of the term "Devil" I am assuming this is history from before South African freedom, and "Devil" means "White Devil", and the use of "Khoikhoi" would make this association with the dutch town of "Paarl" in South Africa where Nelson Mandala was released after 27 years of imprisonment in 1990. So one assumes this story stakes place sometime before then.
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This line "and burns the crust as black as brother Ebo's head" seems both redundant and gratuitous. Really, I think there are problems with this whole phrase "bad luck will call if one turns back and burns the crust as black
as brother Ebo's head."
"bad luck will call, meaning bad luck will come calling. The use of call, to visit is plain when used in the phrase "will come calling". It becomes less clear (in terms of visit) with "bad luck will call". Instead of speaking euphemistically, why not just sat "bad luck will visit?" Better still, "burning the cakes as black as her brother's head will bring bad luck ..." Do we need to know his name. Her name and the use of the word already places her in central to south Africa (and probably south African as has been noted), including "Ebo" does nothing for placing the location (unless throwing in a name from Nigeria, or that it is the name of a spider somehow is beneficial) or adding any kind of useful location clues or ambiance. Her name "Mbali" already places her as probably a speaker of Afrikaans/Zulu. Her name "Mbali" meaning flower in Zulu would almost be over the top if not so obscure, e.g., "She is blooming". Your a damn good writer Tom, but sometimes I think you outwit yourself by trying to be too clever, of course I am hardly one to talk about playing with obscurity. Still, bloody blooming?
One other point and I will stop (sorry, I'm tired). I have problems with the line "Soon she will have fifteen child-years". Why such an awkward phrase. Why not "soon she will be fifteen and old enough to wed?"
Well there is more I could say, but as I said, I am tired and don't feel up to the sheer size of commentary this would require, so I hit the high points, at least for me.
Dale
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This line "and burns the crust as black as brother Ebo's head" seems both redundant and gratuitous. Really, I think there are problems with this whole phrase "bad luck will call if one turns back and burns the crust as black
as brother Ebo's head."
"bad luck will call, meaning bad luck will come calling. The use of call, to visit is plain when used in the phrase "will come calling". It becomes less clear (in terms of visit) with "bad luck will call". Instead of speaking euphemistically, why not just sat "bad luck will visit?" Better still, "burning the cakes as black as her brother's head will bring bad luck ..." Do we need to know his name. Her name and the use of the word already places her in central to south Africa (and probably south African as has been noted), including "Ebo" does nothing for placing the location (unless throwing in a name from Nigeria, or that it is the name of a spider somehow is beneficial) or adding any kind of useful location clues or ambiance. Her name "Mbali" already places her as probably a speaker of Afrikaans/Zulu. Her name "Mbali" meaning flower in Zulu would almost be over the top if not so obscure, e.g., "She is blooming". Your a damn good writer Tom, but sometimes I think you outwit yourself by trying to be too clever, of course I am hardly one to talk about playing with obscurity. Still, bloody blooming?
One other point and I will stop (sorry, I'm tired). I have problems with the line "Soon she will have fifteen child-years". Why such an awkward phrase. Why not "soon she will be fifteen and old enough to wed?"
Well there is more I could say, but as I said, I am tired and don't feel up to the sheer size of commentary this would require, so I hit the high points, at least for me.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.