Break the vetkoek edit0.1 erthona,qstar, keith, loretta

[tectak]

Im going to try and go through this line by line, but i have a feeling it will end up helping me more than it helps you, as this feels just above my pay grade.

Mbali watches oil get hot then fans flames from her eyes. is there a reason for the extra spaces between watches and oil or fans and flames? Eyes sounds sharp compared to the words ending each line that follow. Its a hard sound. Not youthy
With gentle squeeze, a baby's hand, the vetkoek yields to floured palms.i think squeeze is a bit of a odd word choice, being that she is apparently cooking with affection?
She rolls dough into soft, round cakes and kisses every one i like these lines, like a preacher baptizing children, greeting them with an affectionate kiss on the head.
before the oil baptises them with fire and foment, faith and flame.but reality is pain?
Mbali prods and turns them once, golden in the bubbling pot; these next two lines don't add to the momentum of the poem, i think. They dont seem to flow like the rest of the poem.
bad luck will call if one turns back and burns the crust as black very simple rhythmic beat, unlike the rest of the poem, i like the alliterations though.
as brother Ebo's head. Smiling at the memory she lets the Lord take care of things;The memory of her brothers black head?
He always watches over her and makes her vetkoek passion bread.why vetkoek passion bread? Is that just what it's called?
Mbali hums as hot, crisp buns are hoisted from the cleansing oili like the rhyme of hums and buns.
and stacked on mats of sweet corn stems to cool before the devil calls.You move from imagery of innocence to something more foreboding. Perhaps you could emphasize that shift by breaking into two distinct stanzas here, or would that make the story disjointed?
And he will call: to take the bread and drink the Khoikhoi wine. i like "take the bread" phrase, it sounds forceful. (As opposed to eat). Perhaps he could do something more interesting than "drink" the wine.
Mbali will be hiding in the bushland by the stream, afraid to make
a sound until the devil calls her name. She will crawl, flat to the land,
in dust and dirt up to his feet; all the while she praises him,
beseeches him to leave, not take her just this time . The devil never listens
so Mbali drops her eyes and cries the tears of cruelty then silently complies;
but afterwards the devil will throw her hard, dry vetkoek crumbs.
She'll eat and drink the dreg-filled wine and wash hard in the stream;
cleaner now but never clean, she looks up to the polished sky
and thanks the Lord that once again he helped her to survive.
Mbali knows that she is safe, she knows the devil knows it, too.
Soon she will have fifteen child-years and old enough to wed,
she prays for death to take her as she makes the vetkoek bread.
tectak
Out of SA
2014

I will continue my comments later, but this took a bit longer than expected.

Hi qdeath,
thanks for so far. To help you understand this, should that be of any advantage, I should say that this alludes to the Hottentot Venus. The rest is up to you.
I don't like explaining anything outside my poetry because I don't do obscure and argue the case for clarity on all boards. This one, however, came from nowhere and caught me by surprise.
Best,
tectak
The inconsistent spacing was caused by a peculiarity, now gone I hope, of the editing on line. The damned thing kept reverting to random versions requiring repeated corrections so I will look again and try to put right.

---

Im going to try and go through this line by line, but i have a feeling it will end up helping me more than it helps you, as this feels just above my pay grade.

Mbali watches oil get hot then fans flames from her eyes. is there a reason for the extra spaces between watches and oil or fans and flames? Eyes sounds sharp compared to the words ending each line that follow. Its a hard sound. Not youthyold beyond years
With gentle squeeze, a baby's hand, the vetkoek yields to floured palms.i think squeeze is a bit of a odd word choice, being that she is apparently cooking with affection?an affectionate squeeze?
She rolls dough into soft, round cakes and kisses every one i like these lines, like a preacher baptizing children, greeting them with an affectionate kiss on the head.
before the oil baptises them with fire and foment, faith and flame.but reality is pain?allegorical, perhaps. I will look at this
Mbali prods and turns them once, golden in the bubbling pot; these next two lines don't add to the momentum of the poem, i think. They dont seem to flow like the rest of the poem. You have taken the point. This is a pivotal moment in the poem in which Mbali is in danger of musing back to a dire reality.
bad luck will call if one turns back and burns the crust as black very simple rhythmic beat, unlike the rest of the poem, i like the alliterations though.
as brother Ebo's head. Smiling at the memory she lets the Lord take care of things;The memory of her brothers black head? the childish thought that a black and shiny bread bun looks like her brother's head is comedic to her in a mixed emotional moment
He always watches over her and makes her vetkoek passion bread.why vetkoek passion bread? Is that just what it's called?popular bread in peasant SA now considered haute.
Mbali hums as hot, crisp buns are hoisted from the cleansing oili like the rhyme of hums and buns.
and stacked on mats of sweet corn stems to cool before the devil calls.You move from imagery of innocence to something more foreboding. Perhaps you could emphasize that shift by breaking into two distinct stanzas here, or would that make the story disjointed?
And he will call: to take the bread and drink the Khoikhoi wine. i like "take the bread" phrase, it sounds forceful. (As opposed to eat). Perhaps he could do something more interesting than "drink" the wine. ...well, it is the duality of "take" I am after here. I cannot, though, think what else you could do with wine in this context. Open to suggestion
Mbali will be hiding in the bushland by the stream, afraid to make
a sound until the devil calls her name. She will crawl, flat to the land,
in dust and dirt up to his feet; all the while she praises him,
beseeches him to leave, not take her just this time . The devil never listens
so Mbali drops her eyes and cries the tears of cruelty then silently complies;
but afterwards the devil will throw her hard, dry vetkoek crumbs.
She'll eat and drink the dreg-filled wine and wash hard in the stream;
cleaner now but never clean, she looks up to the polished sky
and thanks the Lord that once again he helped her to survive.
Mbali knows that she is safe, she knows the devil knows it, too.
Soon she will have fifteen child-years and old enough to wed,
she prays for death to take her as she makes the vetkoek bread.
tectak
Out of SA
2014

I will continue my comments later, but this took a bit longer than expected.

Hi qdeath,
thanks for so far. To help you understand this, should that be of any advantage, I should say that this alludes to the Hottentot Venus. The rest is up to you.
I don't like explaining anything outside my poetry because I don't do obscure and argue the case for clarity on all boards. This one, however, came from nowhere and caught me by surprise.
Best,
tectak
The inconsistent spacing was caused by a peculiarity, now gone I hope, of the editing on line. The damned thing kept reverting to random versions requiring repeated corrections so I will look again and try to put right.