After Seven Years

[71degrees]

Hi, so a nice surprise in this one with some good line breaks. Here are a few comments.

She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass--This detail actually gives him a sense of refinement which plays against the stereotype.
as sure as her key slips into a lock.--I keep wanting the "a" to be a "the"

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening--like the break here though throughout I think the breaks really work especially in S2.
scars, the courted sleep.

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.--these last two lines with the dove image are the payoff that elevates this one. The wire is like the line she crossed. The mother's eyes suggest that it could be generational. You don't get the sense of guilt or reprimand just the sadness, or maybe understanding. I realize my read is a bit subjective on this point

Its very nice.

Best,

Todd

Thank you, Todd. Your support here is appreciated. I agree with the "a" and/or "the"….I even played around w/"her" a bit. Need to settle, that's for sure. Nothing wrong w/your subjective read, either. If a poem leads you somewhere, enter, and feel good about it.

Basically, I introduced "mother's eyes" b/c I wanted the reader to know the abuse is generational.

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She hears him lift another can,
pour the beer into a tall glass
as sure as her key slips into a lock. this line seems strange to me. Her key; a lock. The significance of the lock is diminished, or am i missing something

She dislikes this plastic paradise
of comb and mirror, the thickening
scars, the courted sleep. sounds sterile to me

Arguments are all her mind recalls lately:
the fists, the remedy afterward. She does is this the what the mind remembers vs what the heart remembers?
remember an August marriage, his dark
good looks. And now sitting beside this bed
of snow, the room is a jail cell. Outside
her window, on a thin black telephone wire,
is a mourning dove with her mother's eyes.

I like your thought about "heart" vs "mind"….I like it very much.