05-25-2014, 10:13 AM
Maybe some correct grammar.
In the first stanza you say something is dragging you down, but in the second stanza you call it a weight. So that needs to be consistent.
A weight in my chest (?) is dragging me down and I cannot get up;
after a while the weight lessens and feels like it is leaking out my fingertips.
Sorry, no help for the third stanza, you're floating but you don't like it. Come on, that's just silly. Why don't you just say,
"I'm depressed, but then I'm not, but I sort of liked being depressed. Totally nonsensical.
You need to get clear in your head what it is you wish to write about. Preferably something that is not self contradictorily. Maybe try writing about something simple, but not about yourself. Just an observation, nothing earth shaking.
About the best I can do for you,
Dale
PS Just curious about your nom de plume was "NBowers" already taken and so you had to settle for "NBowers01"? It sort of helps if you have a name without numbers as that helps people identify with you easier, or at least it does me. Just a thought as it seems you need to simplify things somewhat.
Best and welcome aboard and all that sort of trite stuff people say.
In the first stanza you say something is dragging you down, but in the second stanza you call it a weight. So that needs to be consistent.
A weight in my chest (?) is dragging me down and I cannot get up;
after a while the weight lessens and feels like it is leaking out my fingertips.
Sorry, no help for the third stanza, you're floating but you don't like it. Come on, that's just silly. Why don't you just say,
"I'm depressed, but then I'm not, but I sort of liked being depressed. Totally nonsensical.
You need to get clear in your head what it is you wish to write about. Preferably something that is not self contradictorily. Maybe try writing about something simple, but not about yourself. Just an observation, nothing earth shaking.
About the best I can do for you,
Dale
PS Just curious about your nom de plume was "NBowers" already taken and so you had to settle for "NBowers01"? It sort of helps if you have a name without numbers as that helps people identify with you easier, or at least it does me. Just a thought as it seems you need to simplify things somewhat.
Best and welcome aboard and all that sort of trite stuff people say.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.