05-24-2014, 06:38 AM
Hi Harry,
A few comments for you. Watch the ellipses, they're often overdone. I think also the "She" needs to be replaced with "You" and then the tenses fixed accordingly. The way you have it here is like how a movie gives us exposition that the characters already know. Also, there isn't a lot happening here. Consider looking to your content and raising the stakes more.
Just some initial thoughts.
Best,
Todd
A few comments for you. Watch the ellipses, they're often overdone. I think also the "She" needs to be replaced with "You" and then the tenses fixed accordingly. The way you have it here is like how a movie gives us exposition that the characters already know. Also, there isn't a lot happening here. Consider looking to your content and raising the stakes more.
Just some initial thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson