Breath of Life

[Thoughtjotter]

Hey Thoughtjotter

I'm a little confused as to which version is the newest version of your poem, as '1st edit' is a little ambiguous. Well, I have two things to mention. For the second stanza (in both versions), the rhyme scheme really through me off. I think a change is definitely needed here, the half-rhyme is a jolt in the poem for whatever reason. Also, since I'm still not too sure which version is the updated one, I'll just mention that the ending for the top version is my favorite of the two endings:

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

Great read! Twas a pleasure
-UnclePedro

I'm sorry UnclePedro, I missed this reply earlier.
You are right, my rhyme scheme was off, along with other discrepancies and I did have the original and 1st revision posted wrong.
The first couplet was my wife's idea.(It may be best if I don't tell her though)

I've been on a crash course, studying meter and rhyme and I may have learned just a little bit. So I have done a total rewrite.
Thanks so much for your input,
R T

---

Trochaic Tetrameter alternating with
Trochaic Trimeter

Raging winds took ship and lives,
prompts the poet's rhymes.
Singing to lost sailor's wives;
Songs proclaiming; "hope survives".
Warm winds blow and spring arrives,
life and better times.

Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze,
comfort for us all.
Unseen fingers through the trees;
Sways tree branch and rustles leaves.
Morning frost upon the sheaves,
early feel of fall.

Through the canyon rock it screams,
forcing snow to fly.
Gale winds paint the winter's theme;
Waving aspen's golden sheen,
valley down below agleam,
up above, blue sky.



Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
to restless spirit, earth concedes.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam.

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely.

Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

---

Trochaic Tetrameter alternating with
Trochaic Trimeter

Raging winds took ship and lives,
prompts the poet's rhymes.
Singing to lost sailor's wives;
Songs proclaiming; "hope survives".
Warm winds blow and spring arrives,
life and better times.

Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze,
comfort for us all.
Unseen fingers through the trees;
Sways tree branch and rustles leaves.
Morning frost upon the sheaves,
early feel of fall.

Through the canyon rock it screams,
forcing snow to fly.
Gale winds paint the winter's theme;
Waving aspen's golden sheen,
valley down below agleam,
up above, blue sky.



Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
to restless spirit, earth concedes.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam.

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely.

Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."