Talking ‘bout My Gen, gen, gen, gen-gene—ah-ration

[Brownlie]

Talking ‘bout My Gen, gen, gen, gen-gene—ah-ration

Quite a bit of writing you've got here, but I'll do my best with it.

Ya see...it all started after the "war to end all wars", WWII. “H-O-O-R-A-H!”
Men who’re over there, soon, were over here: now that the fighting was through.
Promised reward anticipated, they'd not be balked from being mated:
all breedable girls found themselves quickly wed, bed, and impregnated.
Copulation–population, at twelve o’clock high, war babies "BOOMED!"
once out they sucked and sucked until there was not a thing left to consume! -- This statement seems pretty true.

Penetrations unbridled, gestation unrivaled, signaled the doom
of my generation: we arrived, thinking to thrive, but found no room.
Our birth: an un-revelation, to them: we were a de-generation.
To our needs deaf, was their avarice of mother’s milk mastication;
though thirstily arrived, we were faux-fated by their greed to stay dry,
it’s hard to make bricks, with air and dry spit, no matter how hard you try,
naught left for us, no verse or chorus, not one little musical crumb,
they said, “You’re second rated, degraded, generally Blind, Deaf and Dumb.
If they wanted—they took it; felt good—they did it: for them it was great,
despoiled the canvas, none to paint, when it was time for us to create.
So because of them our creativity was collectively squeezed,
just like a cunning linguist caught unawares, between two fleshy knees. --- I think the poem gains more traction in the concrete imagery. There also seems to be a lot of themes repeated.

Before we started, they’d earlier won, been there and back, already done,
if a contest where trophies were won, we had a grand total of none. -- There are a lot of anapests in here so you do get the Dr.Seuss thing (anapestic meter is actually a pretty good challenge)
Unless you thought that counting our part in BIG HAIR BANDS was right and fair, -- You have that internal rhyme again, but you lose traction without the anapests
why…if you counted the physics of sheer hair mass, we’d beat them right there! -- This line seems to be communicating that it's trying to fit a meter
We also had Travolta, the Bee Gees and “Saturday Night Fever.”
They said, “Newman—McQueen; Joplin—Hendrix; Hair—Psycho and The Beaver.”
Quietly: “Disco was big, but that’s a topic I’d as soon pass by!
I don’t remember too many crying tears when it finally died.” -- This line is very well done.
KC—Gaynor, Summer and Ross, left up to me, I’d toss the whole lot,
Afro’s, platforms, boob tubes, tank tops even David Hasselhoff was hot! -- you've got some spondees in this line but it all works out well rhythmically
The Eagles—Aerosmith and Pink Floyd; Queen—Elton John deserve a pass, -- The proper nouns to fit a meter is a good touch, though I think pink Floyd is a spondee which you may have taken into consideration
yet, "Yellow Brick Road" "Candle in the Wind" were hardly classical gas! -- I'm not sure what meter your working in but I think you are working in one. if it is iambic you run into a problem with the word "classical."
Maybe Springsteen, they said he was going to be the next Bob Dylan, -- This appears to be a trochaic line that's not so bad.

but he is not even the “Boss” unless Clarence Clemons is willing.
We were a sad pathetic generation, like Knights in White Satin,
they say, we should have not ever existed, but some how we happened. -- not ever is a bit redundant


We were proud to collect and never put away, high priced concert tees;
wore shorts too short, our hair in a Mullet, and socks pulled up to our knees. -- our hair in a mullet seems to have problems with subject verb agreement

We had no social agenda, framework, or plan, I don’t think we cared,
like Peter Frampton, we had no real substance just illusion and air.
As to our values: they were Spartanly simple, decidedly droll, -- you're piling up the anapests again which seem to give the poem a flippant feel which can be good if intended.
not hard to remember, our motto was catchy, drugs—sex—rock & roll!
They were the hippies, we were the freaks, tossing free love, we kept the sex. -- we kept the sex seems a little sloppy though it is a funny sentiment.
They took drugs to find what they did, we did too, but liked being stoned the best. -- there are some abstractions like drugs that can be specified. If you play with some specifics you might get some good lines. However, the whole line feels like it can be condensed.

Above all else, we loved rock and roll, though they say ours wasn’t as good,
but long before rap, with our sound turned up loud we cruised the neighborhood.
I guess it’s true, our bands just couldn’t compete with the Beatles and Stones,
our groups were those like Kansas and Boston, and other big hair band clones.
We had no cell phones, PC’s or anything that resembled the net,
and television had just three channels, cable hadn’t found us yet, -- You may want to remedy these summation statements into parts of the poem that relay new meaning

but one thing no one has had before or since were CB’s in their ride:
“Breaker, one nine” “What’s your handle,” ‘til sunspots came out and CB's died. -- This line is pretty good.


That was it probably, our claim to fame, a toy no one remembers.
The sixties: a bonfire, a roaring flame, and we it’s faded embers. -- Not a bad line here.
Leftovers: We were the red-headed step children, the second born male, -- You might want to replace the cliché with something more original, though I suppose clichés can be ok once in awhile.

no one ever cared or even noticed if we succeeded or failed.
Yet in life, it’s sometimes the turtle who wins out by more than a hare,
and if hunger’s the criteria for this race, we’ll always be there,
and what is at the moment by my generation viewed as a curse,
as often happens the fates respective to each, may one day reverse,
because they say, gold ever sinks and always to the top does shit float, -- There are some real problems with the word "does" in this line. The whole construction about shit floating seems to be a linguistic inversion.
so there is yet a chance of being more than just a sixties footnote.


–Erthona


©2008

Overall, I liked the piece and it seems ambitious due to its length and apparent conformity to meter. The idea of consumption as a feeding infant and related to consumer goods was interesting. I liked some lines I highlighted and would like the piece even more if some of the awkward language was cleaned up and some of the end rhymes were made more natural. The proper nouns can be hard to work with, but I think you did a pretty good job with them. Thanks for posting. Hopefully I was able to give you some useful feedback here.