would that i could

[issei]

Hello issei, welcome to the site.

The first thing that struck me was the rhyming couplets seemed forced, example

pain and fear
please dont interfere

What does the second line have to do with the first line?

Other lines are just trite"

"underneath the veneer
were all the same I hear "

There are grammatical problems:

"forgot the disguise
its about time we realise"

Some lines I am unsure if they mean much such as:

"ones happiness held above anothers misfortune"

These two lines sound clever, as though they are reveling a hidden truth, but upon closer inspection, the truth seems to be missing, could be I'm just dense>

"a helping hand not shown
a helpless sorrow not seen"

Anyway, these are just my observations, others may have more positive things, I'm afraid I don't do positive well. The failing is completely mine and not yours. Feel free to disregard all I said, but again welcome to the site.


Best,


Dale

Hello Dale . Thank you for your critique

The couplets were forced yes , I felt uncomfortable
after the inital few lines and the rhyming seemed safer at the time
Almost nursery rhyme like it seems in hindsight lol
Can forced rhyming be considered bad form ?

"pain and fear
please dont interfere"
My thinking was, for the reader to accept the previous 2
lines looking past the "pain and fear" would be a possibility
or solution

"underneath our veneer
we're all the same I hear"
Is that correct ?

"ones happiness held above anothers misfortune"
I was thinking how people sometimes prefer to
not notice anothers suffering because it is inconvenient
for them

"a helping hand not shown
a helpless sorrow not seen"
I was thinking at the time it would follow the 2 lines above
The fortunate("helping hand") not helping ,and the unfortunate("helpless")
not asking for help.

Thank you sir for your constructive critique
and thanks again for the welcome

Kind regards

issei