05-22-2014, 10:35 AM
Hello issei, welcome to the site.
The first thing that struck me was the rhyming couplets seemed forced, example
pain and fear
please dont interfere
What does the second line have to do with the first line?
Other lines are just trite"
"underneath the veneer
were all the same I hear "
There are grammatical problems:
"forgot the disguise
its about time we realise"
Some lines I am unsure if they mean much such as:
"ones happiness held above anothers misfortune"
These two lines sound clever, as though they are reveling a hidden truth, but upon closer inspection, the truth seems to be missing, could be I'm just dense>
"a helping hand not shown
a helpless sorrow not seen"
Anyway, these are just my observations, others may have more positive things, I'm afraid I don't do positive well. The failing is completely mine and not yours. Feel free to disregard all I said, but again welcome to the site.
Best,
Dale
The first thing that struck me was the rhyming couplets seemed forced, example
pain and fear
please dont interfere
What does the second line have to do with the first line?
Other lines are just trite"
"underneath the veneer
were all the same I hear "
There are grammatical problems:
"forgot the disguise
its about time we realise"
Some lines I am unsure if they mean much such as:
"ones happiness held above anothers misfortune"
These two lines sound clever, as though they are reveling a hidden truth, but upon closer inspection, the truth seems to be missing, could be I'm just dense>
"a helping hand not shown
a helpless sorrow not seen"
Anyway, these are just my observations, others may have more positive things, I'm afraid I don't do positive well. The failing is completely mine and not yours. Feel free to disregard all I said, but again welcome to the site.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.