05-22-2014, 05:45 AM
A really neat theme for a poem... some cool lines to think about. I like how you're objectively describing parts of a body and not a whole person.
A few comments:
---Just wondering if you'd consider formatting it in more of a poem style- splitting up some lines, etc. It reads like prose. Nothing wrong with that, just a suggestion.
---Huge fan of the last line, it leaves the reader hanging.
---There are a few lines that employ some rather large, un-poetic words that tripped me up. Your writing is very visual, so when I came across the line "nihilated by your apathy," for example, it seemed out of place because it was not a visual concept, and I had to pause and struggle to figure out exactly what you meant by that.
Hope those notes help. Welcome
A few comments:
---Just wondering if you'd consider formatting it in more of a poem style- splitting up some lines, etc. It reads like prose. Nothing wrong with that, just a suggestion.
---Huge fan of the last line, it leaves the reader hanging.
---There are a few lines that employ some rather large, un-poetic words that tripped me up. Your writing is very visual, so when I came across the line "nihilated by your apathy," for example, it seemed out of place because it was not a visual concept, and I had to pause and struggle to figure out exactly what you meant by that.
Hope those notes help. Welcome
Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first. 
