Love, Emma edit 0.00001 hog et al

[Hog Butcher]

Hi Hog,
Thank you for your detailed crit, it is much appreciated.

No problem.

The "stark" word indicates by implication your definition exactly but I try to avoid writing more words than I need to express an idea....the fact that you got the idea is satisfyingly confirmative that the sentence works. Words in "neon" are invariably thin and minimalist because of the technology and it was that thin but piercing attribute that I am trying to allude to. Perhaps you are right and I shall look again.

Okay, I definitely see how word economy is important to this part of the poem. But, if you're going that route, may I suggest that you do away with the internal rhyme? Others have suggested this, and explained.

"stark in shadows" is one less word and the same amount of syllables. The (sort of) alliteration sounds much better than a rhyme, too.

Semicolons. No, I don't "need" a semicolon but I am using it in its other role...to indicate a pensive pause. Structurally, I wish the piece was long enough to repeat this, if only to indicate that it is by intent and not by accident

If you think it's necessary, by all means. The line break does make the reader give pause. I'm not sure how strong you want that pause to be.

The "you never lie" line makes me look foolish and I believe you have me there. I wanted to imply that he did not lie because he just didn't talk about things that were troubling "her"...but it has not come off; I can see that. I will try again.

Perhaps above that, say

You work. You say you do it all for us, but we both know the truth;
there is a lie somewhere in there--I just can't find it."

That would open the door for doubt.

Love, Emma? Well, perhaps deep down somewhere...but she can get away with saying anything after murdering the kids
Again, my thanks,
tectak

Fair enough. People are ambivalent creatures.