No Longer Dancing

[ellajam]

Good Morning, Chris. The first thing I think you have to consider is the matter of meter. Milo's definition of a villanelle in the practice threads states that it needs a fixed meter, usually IP. A google search brings up it's history as a ballad and says while a strict meter is not required the refrains should match up and the center lines should match well. We may slug this out as a separate discussion elsewhere, but I'm going non-metered here.

I love your refrains, both such strong images which say the same thing in two distinctive ways. To my ear they go well together and I don't have the desire or skill to mess with them. I like the way you've been able to twist them a bit.

While the center lines are fairly consistent in length, I think it might help the poem to at least start them on the same accent. I think this a tweak that could be done without wrecking anything.

I've read this many times for enjoyment and need more time to offer you specific options for improvement, but props for posting it, it promises to be an interesting thread.

(My NaPM Villanelle that ellajam encouraged me to workshop)

No Longer Dancing

I won’t dance the mambo on your window ledge;
hoof a soft-shoe in quicksand, bogged down by woe.
A relationship can't waltz on a dagger's edge.

Your last volley of insults has driven a wedge
deeper than that hollow from where your voice bellows.
I will not do the mambo on your window ledge.

There’s no enduring passion left for you to dredge
up; I nearly drowned once in your cruel undertow
in a relationship waltzing the dagger’s edge.

From a forest of guilt, this lovebird has fledged
your wretched nest, which harbors nothing but sorrow.
I won’t dance a last mambo on the window ledge

on my term's final eve. I've cleared the boxwood hedge.
Your love seat of thorns sits empty, now that you know
that I will not waltz with you on a dagger’s edge.

You’re banished from my life; this is a sober pledge.
A new vista’s rousing. Can you hear the cock crow?
I’ll never dance the mambo on your window ledge.
A relationship can’t waltz on a dagger's edge.