05-20-2014, 11:17 AM
Two things--get that revision up (post it above your original in an edit to this thread) and
"The old man, the lady, and the teenager personified the characteristics of the narrator that personified the characteristics of the narrator that prevented him from being with the bird."
I like this a great deal. I have several suggestions after you assimilate this one: clue me in. Tell me which on you like most, then use a version of it:
1. The old man hates me
2. My old man hates me
3. When I was an old man, I hated me
4. My mother named the old man that hates me
5. I am the old man that hates me
6. Someday, I'll look back and hate me
7. I hate the old man in me
Can you see how the first item doesn't suggest the reading you want it to?
This:
"I’ve always questioned the old man’s ways
He passed away last month
I’m not sure if I’m sad about it or not
He usually kept to himself
No one really knew the current him
Only memories of how he was"
Actually defeats the construction you're looking for.
I should say, too, on the topic of construction, an lady with a broom is a witch. Just no getting around it. And it doesn't help that you have her chasing a bird.
Keep throwing objections at me if what I'm saying isn't clear. I like a good back-and-forth, and I don't want you to feel scoffed at or any other negative thing
"The old man, the lady, and the teenager personified the characteristics of the narrator that personified the characteristics of the narrator that prevented him from being with the bird."
I like this a great deal. I have several suggestions after you assimilate this one: clue me in. Tell me which on you like most, then use a version of it:
1. The old man hates me
2. My old man hates me
3. When I was an old man, I hated me
4. My mother named the old man that hates me
5. I am the old man that hates me
6. Someday, I'll look back and hate me
7. I hate the old man in me
Can you see how the first item doesn't suggest the reading you want it to?
This:
"I’ve always questioned the old man’s ways
He passed away last month
I’m not sure if I’m sad about it or not
He usually kept to himself
No one really knew the current him
Only memories of how he was"
Actually defeats the construction you're looking for.
I should say, too, on the topic of construction, an lady with a broom is a witch. Just no getting around it. And it doesn't help that you have her chasing a bird.
Keep throwing objections at me if what I'm saying isn't clear. I like a good back-and-forth, and I don't want you to feel scoffed at or any other negative thing