05-19-2014, 06:05 AM
So much better, and so much easier to read! Good edit, and I'm glad you took the feedback to heart.
Re: your notes:
1) "search for the eternal"- I get what it means! But it sort of doesn't fit with the poem. You're writing it for her, and everything else is about you two. Then there's this line that just seems out of place in its sort of cliched, wide-sweeping meaning. I hope that makes sense. It's not a terrible line, really. Just not relevant.
2) Not as cliched as 1). I like the idea of dreams locked in stars. While 1) takes your feelings too far away, 2) does a good job of keeping it about you two- this is something that you did together (marveling), while 1) is not about something you two did/felt together. Hope that makes sense.
3) Great call on "heartache." So much better, makes so much more sense. "But" is the right word.
4) You have every right to keep the tree bit! That one was just a personal suggestion. Keep it.
5) Well, you're trying to show her that you love her & won't fade over the 3 months. "I have yet to let go" sounds more like the end of a break-up poem, now that I think about it. "And I will never let go" would be the right decision.
NOTE:
- I would not normally give this much in-depth feedback on the poetry of somebody who has not yet given any feedback whatsoever on this website. Unfortunately I can be a bit too nice sometimes, and I wanted to help you since you're giving this poem to somebody. But if you eanty to be able to get more feedback on more writing, you will have to add to the community.
---RSaba
Re: your notes:
1) "search for the eternal"- I get what it means! But it sort of doesn't fit with the poem. You're writing it for her, and everything else is about you two. Then there's this line that just seems out of place in its sort of cliched, wide-sweeping meaning. I hope that makes sense. It's not a terrible line, really. Just not relevant.
2) Not as cliched as 1). I like the idea of dreams locked in stars. While 1) takes your feelings too far away, 2) does a good job of keeping it about you two- this is something that you did together (marveling), while 1) is not about something you two did/felt together. Hope that makes sense.
3) Great call on "heartache." So much better, makes so much more sense. "But" is the right word.
4) You have every right to keep the tree bit! That one was just a personal suggestion. Keep it.
5) Well, you're trying to show her that you love her & won't fade over the 3 months. "I have yet to let go" sounds more like the end of a break-up poem, now that I think about it. "And I will never let go" would be the right decision.
NOTE:
- I would not normally give this much in-depth feedback on the poetry of somebody who has not yet given any feedback whatsoever on this website. Unfortunately I can be a bit too nice sometimes, and I wanted to help you since you're giving this poem to somebody. But if you eanty to be able to get more feedback on more writing, you will have to add to the community.
---RSaba
Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first. 
