Breath of Life

[Thoughtjotter]

Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time, --This reads a little awkwardly maybe "dawning time" instead of "dawn of time"
elicits words for sailor's rhyme. -- "A sailor's rhyme"
Singing songs to lonely wives,-- there are some varied metrics on this line you might want to consider
the wind in tune upon the chimes. --This reads a bit awkward. I'm not sure what "the chimes" are that you're referring to.


Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves. -- Maybe "a" branch instead of "the"
Passing over hills of green,-- I think you call this thing a linguistic inversion which makes the poem sound unnatural

to restless spirit, earth concedes. -- Again I would be weary of the metrics here.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam. --

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely. - Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,A little awkward her.


elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

This is an ambitious poem, but it seems to be rendered a little awkward in some places. However, I did like aspects of it and think there is room for improvement. Hopefully you have enough to work with if you want to do a revision. Let me know if you have any questions. Though, I'm a bit of a dolt.

No Sir, You are no dolt, I would lay claim to that one.(though I would need to change the "bit" to big)My compulsiveness tends to often step ahead of logic. There's an old saying that I just made up (about myself) - "Only fools cross frozen river on Pogo stick"
I appreciate and need all the honest critique and help that I can get.
When I wrote this I had no clue of the differences of trochaic feet, iambic or anapest. I have begun to study poetic meter only recently. I have now learned enough to be totally confused about the different ways that a poem can be read as compared to the poet's intentions, including my own efforts. The where's and when's of syllables, stressed/unstressed will eventually soak in as I tend to learn by an osmosis process.
I will continue to work on,everything, Thanks for the help,
R T

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Review of 1st edit:
I found this poem somewhat hard to read because of its unique grammar. That may be more my problem than yours, though I will say you need a "the" or an "a" before "breath of life" in your last line, unless you make "breath" plural. Let me show you what I mean by the grammar. Take your opening lines:

"Crossing seas from dawn of time,
elicits words for sailor's rhyme."

Firstly, what is crossing the sea and elicits words? I know it's the breath of life, but these lines are, or should be, a self-sufficient sentence. Instead, they feel like the latter clauses of a sentence. They might work if you replace "elicits" with "eliciting", because then both lines are of the same tense and can therefore earn a poetic licence.
The other problems are that "dawn" should have "the" and "sailor's" "a" before them. I'm sure you're trying for a meter, but in this case the meter doesn't quite justify the grammar, for me. There's a lot of promise here, though. The last two lines of verse three are really charming and powerful, as is your natural imagery. Keep working at your meter (I tear my hair out when I try to use it, so you're doing better than me), and thank you for the read

Thank you for your feedback, I will make these changes that you have pointed out. I still have much to learn of meter and poetic license.
Your feedback is always valued, Thanks again,
R T