Breath of Life

[Brownlie]

Breath of Life (1st edit) with options for second stanza

Crossing seas from dawn of time, --This reads a little awkwardly maybe "dawning time" instead of "dawn of time"
elicits words for sailor's rhyme. -- "A sailor's rhyme"
Singing songs to lonely wives,-- there are some varied metrics on this line you might want to consider
the wind in tune upon the chimes. --This reads a bit awkward. I'm not sure what "the chimes" are that you're referring to.


Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives. a brand new world has come alive
Cooling brow, the gentle breeze Cooling brow, sweet summer breeze
with autumn's smell a change implies. a hint of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves. -- Maybe "a" branch instead of "the"
Passing over hills of green,-- I think you call this thing a linguistic inversion which makes the poem sound unnatural

to restless spirit, earth concedes. -- Again I would be weary of the metrics here.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Forcing frost and snow to fly,
the valley down below agleam. --

Spring will come, the field will dry,
on breath of life we all rely. - Breath of Life (original)

Crossing seas from dawn of time,A little awkward her.


elicits words for sailor's rhyme.
Singing songs to lonely wives,
the wind in tune upon the chimes.

Bearing rain when spring arrives
or random fury, taking lives.
Cooling brow with gentle breeze,
the smell of autumn at sunrise.

Unseen fingers through the trees,
to sway the branch and rustle leaves.
Passing over hills of green,
this restless spirit, earth conceives.

Waving aspen's golden sheen,
on through the canyon rock it screams.
Moaning as the cold snow flies,
these lonely sounds make lonely dreams.

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

This is an ambitious poem, but it seems to be rendered a little awkward in some places. However, I did like aspects of it and think there is room for improvement. Hopefully you have enough to work with if you want to do a revision. Let me know if you have any questions. Though, I'm a bit of a dolt.