05-18-2014, 05:13 AM
I wrote this for my girlfriend who is thousands of miles away and I won't see for three months. I'd like to send it to her but need some critique. Having no formal training in poetry analysis or writing, I did my best with free verse and tried to keep the syllables the same for each line. I started off writing a sonnet but found it too difficult. How can I make this a more formal piece that is more 'poetic'? Any feedback is appreciated, I want to make this as good as possible for her. Thank you all!
For all the time apart my mind wanders
to the nights when we heard the crickets sing
upon the hill we claimed as ours. Tiring
days made sweet by the touch of bodies
nestled between the arms of two struggling
lovers hopelessly lost in the trenches
of guarded souls. We marveled at the
universe and I saw in your eyes a reflection
of the joy and compassion you would
one day bestow onto me. Nightly
departures brought sorrow but also a promise
of return. Our arms extended, and my hand
became interlocked with yours like the roots of
an ancient sycamore tree on familiar earth.
And I have yet to let go.
For all the time apart my mind wanders
to the nights when we heard the crickets sing
upon the hill we claimed as ours. Tiring
days made sweet by the touch of bodies
nestled between the arms of two struggling
lovers hopelessly lost in the trenches
of guarded souls. We marveled at the
universe and I saw in your eyes a reflection
of the joy and compassion you would
one day bestow onto me. Nightly
departures brought sorrow but also a promise
of return. Our arms extended, and my hand
became interlocked with yours like the roots of
an ancient sycamore tree on familiar earth.
And I have yet to let go.