Breath of Life

[Thoughtjotter]

Hey Thoughtjotter

I'm a little confused as to which version is the newest version of your poem, as '1st edit' is a little ambiguous. Well, I have two things to mention. For the second stanza (in both versions), the rhyme scheme really through me off. I think a change is definitely needed here, the half-rhyme is a jolt in the poem for whatever reason. Also, since I'm still not too sure which version is the updated one, I'll just mention that the ending for the top version is my favorite of the two endings:

"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."

Great read! Twas a pleasure
-UnclePedro

T
Sorry about the mix up with the edit and thank you for your thoughts. I have made some options for the second stanza, hope they work. I liked the original couplet also but I can't get the stressed/unstressed syllables working. It reads a bit sing/songy also, hope it's not too bad.
Someday I will get it right, Thanks again,

R T

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Hi, TJ, glad to see you working on this. The usual format is to label the Original and place the labeled edit above it so that the current edit is always on top.

Oh Yea, I forgot, got it now. Thanks,

TJ/RT