05-16-2014, 07:52 PM
Hi, I am much of the opinion of Uncle Pedro.
It seems to aim for some sort of free verse, but I found the rhythms came and went. I was not quite with Uncle Pedro regarding the end. There, is, as it stands, quite neatly rhythmic , iambic to be precise, except for the unwieldy 'on the horizon' business. Even that might fit in, if you were to include it in a final (rhyming?) couplet. Couplet or no, the advantage of getting that stanza to be metrically good, is that it is the end of a murky journey, it refers to song, so why not have the sing-song of an echoing meter?
I am not much for the content: it comes under what I call 'hard yakka' poetry --- when the narrator seems to tell us s/he is having a hard time on the romantic front. So that is my crusty response. To do well, requires excellence .....
It seems to aim for some sort of free verse, but I found the rhythms came and went. I was not quite with Uncle Pedro regarding the end. There, is, as it stands, quite neatly rhythmic , iambic to be precise, except for the unwieldy 'on the horizon' business. Even that might fit in, if you were to include it in a final (rhyming?) couplet. Couplet or no, the advantage of getting that stanza to be metrically good, is that it is the end of a murky journey, it refers to song, so why not have the sing-song of an echoing meter?
I am not much for the content: it comes under what I call 'hard yakka' poetry --- when the narrator seems to tell us s/he is having a hard time on the romantic front. So that is my crusty response. To do well, requires excellence .....