05-16-2014, 06:37 PM
Hey Thoughtjotter
I'm a little confused as to which version is the newest version of your poem, as '1st edit' is a little ambiguous. Well, I have two things to mention. For the second stanza (in both versions), the rhyme scheme really through me off. I think a change is definitely needed here, the half-rhyme is a jolt in the poem for whatever reason. Also, since I'm still not too sure which version is the updated one, I'll just mention that the ending for the top version is my favorite of the two endings:
"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."
Great read! Twas a pleasure
-UnclePedro
I'm a little confused as to which version is the newest version of your poem, as '1st edit' is a little ambiguous. Well, I have two things to mention. For the second stanza (in both versions), the rhyme scheme really through me off. I think a change is definitely needed here, the half-rhyme is a jolt in the poem for whatever reason. Also, since I'm still not too sure which version is the updated one, I'll just mention that the ending for the top version is my favorite of the two endings:
"Last sheet on the line" she sighs,
"please sweet breeze, blow until it dries."
Great read! Twas a pleasure
-UnclePedro