05-16-2014, 06:28 PM
Hi Mopkins
I'm not a big fan of this type of rhyme scheme, nonetheless it's well-written so it gets by that radar for me. It seems to me that you would know a lot more about 'scansion' than me, so I won't get much into that. All I know is that the rhythm sounds right to me.
Edits:
1) I don't like the first word 'Well' since it seems to me that it's really just a filler word to get the right beat for that line. I'm not too sure what would make a good replacement or change, but if you could finagle some sort of sensible change that would be good
2) I would rearrange the parentheses like so:
Original
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day-
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sin)
Change
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day)
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sin
Besides that, it looks great to me. I can tell it has been polished and carefully pieced together, which I think is a good thing and appreciate. On a religious basis, I think it tells a good story and has a good wrap around at the end.
-UnclePedro
I'm not a big fan of this type of rhyme scheme, nonetheless it's well-written so it gets by that radar for me. It seems to me that you would know a lot more about 'scansion' than me, so I won't get much into that. All I know is that the rhythm sounds right to me.
Edits:
1) I don't like the first word 'Well' since it seems to me that it's really just a filler word to get the right beat for that line. I'm not too sure what would make a good replacement or change, but if you could finagle some sort of sensible change that would be good
2) I would rearrange the parentheses like so:
Original
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day-
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sin)
Change
(for He edits my biography each and ev’ry day)
He blots out my transgressions and does not recall my sin
Besides that, it looks great to me. I can tell it has been polished and carefully pieced together, which I think is a good thing and appreciate. On a religious basis, I think it tells a good story and has a good wrap around at the end.
-UnclePedro