05-16-2014, 06:12 PM
Hi Willpark
Let me start off my saying that this is a great start to writing this style of poetry and is a great topic to cover. The issue I have with this as a reader, similar to the other people who read and commented, is that this can be a very in-depth, intense, and deep topic to write about, but the poem you have here is a little too simple and common of an interpretation/story. While words like 'heart', 'cage', 'box', or the reference to the mythological sirens aren't bad things to use, they can be a bit off-putting if they are used in phrases that are commonly written. No one wants to read an original and new piece of poetry that is stitched together with familiar sections of literature, which loses its allure of being new and special and unique to the writer/poet.
You can write better poetry by giving these sentiments or ideas a story or background, attaching the sentiments to a person or thing, by taking the reader on a journey, or, paraphrasing Erthona (another user on this site) aka Dale: "Poetry is about making the obscure clear".
Edits:
1) Like a few mentioned above, the poem doesn't flow very well. You can write poetry that doesn't rhyme and flows well if you pay attention to the number of beats per line and rhyming schemes. These can vary on the type of poem you are trying to write or if you are doing your own thing, what sort of tone or rhythm you are trying to emulate.
2) L2- At the end of the line, 'it' appears to refer to the key instead of the box.
3) I would end your first stanza with a period instead of a comma since all the other stanza end with a period
4) Stanza 2, L2- should be 'it' instead of 'its'
5) Be careful not to fall into a trap of referring to some object as 'it'. It often loses the reader and can make the poem less readable
6) Stanza 3- The first two lines shouldn't be separated with a 'But'. Using 'But' implies disagreement between two ideas, but these two lines only share similarities. You can fix this by taking out the 'but', rewording the lines to introduce disagreement between the two lines, or otherwise changing the lines so that you get rid of the confusing negative in the statements
7) Stanza 5:
Then wonder why.
And wish you hadn’t.
And realize you still have time,
And hear its fated song echoing on the horizon.
A couple things to change here. First, you are using to many 'ands' here. It's far too choppy along with the periods. I would change it to flow better like so:
Then wonder why
And wish you hadn't,
Realizing you still have time
To hear its fated song echoing on the horizon.
This way it's a lot less choppy. If you want to make more of an impression, split the sentence into two.
Keep writing, edit and improve! You will become a great poet if you learn to learn and most importantly, never stop
-UnclePedro
Let me start off my saying that this is a great start to writing this style of poetry and is a great topic to cover. The issue I have with this as a reader, similar to the other people who read and commented, is that this can be a very in-depth, intense, and deep topic to write about, but the poem you have here is a little too simple and common of an interpretation/story. While words like 'heart', 'cage', 'box', or the reference to the mythological sirens aren't bad things to use, they can be a bit off-putting if they are used in phrases that are commonly written. No one wants to read an original and new piece of poetry that is stitched together with familiar sections of literature, which loses its allure of being new and special and unique to the writer/poet.
You can write better poetry by giving these sentiments or ideas a story or background, attaching the sentiments to a person or thing, by taking the reader on a journey, or, paraphrasing Erthona (another user on this site) aka Dale: "Poetry is about making the obscure clear".
Edits:
1) Like a few mentioned above, the poem doesn't flow very well. You can write poetry that doesn't rhyme and flows well if you pay attention to the number of beats per line and rhyming schemes. These can vary on the type of poem you are trying to write or if you are doing your own thing, what sort of tone or rhythm you are trying to emulate.
2) L2- At the end of the line, 'it' appears to refer to the key instead of the box.
3) I would end your first stanza with a period instead of a comma since all the other stanza end with a period
4) Stanza 2, L2- should be 'it' instead of 'its'
5) Be careful not to fall into a trap of referring to some object as 'it'. It often loses the reader and can make the poem less readable
6) Stanza 3- The first two lines shouldn't be separated with a 'But'. Using 'But' implies disagreement between two ideas, but these two lines only share similarities. You can fix this by taking out the 'but', rewording the lines to introduce disagreement between the two lines, or otherwise changing the lines so that you get rid of the confusing negative in the statements
7) Stanza 5:
Then wonder why.
And wish you hadn’t.
And realize you still have time,
And hear its fated song echoing on the horizon.
A couple things to change here. First, you are using to many 'ands' here. It's far too choppy along with the periods. I would change it to flow better like so:
Then wonder why
And wish you hadn't,
Realizing you still have time
To hear its fated song echoing on the horizon.
This way it's a lot less choppy. If you want to make more of an impression, split the sentence into two.
Keep writing, edit and improve! You will become a great poet if you learn to learn and most importantly, never stop
-UnclePedro