05-16-2014, 05:19 PM
Hi Poe
Let me first start off by saying that I think this is a fabulous piece that you've written here. One thing I might change or be more aware of next time is that it is a little verbose at certain parts of the poem, particularly the part '...causing a causal trash...' as well as the rest of the line, really. I see what you were doing with the tone and rhythm of the poem using all of that punctuation, possibly to emphasize the satirical nature of the poem as Erthona suggested, but I think that a few changes might help the poem read a little better. The semicolon in the last stanza which is right after 'These' in the first line doesn't make much sense here. I might suggest replacing that semicolon with a comma, or just taking it out completely. Similarly, the semicolons in stanza 2 could be taken out and replaced with commas.
That being said, I would give this 5 stars! (out of 5)
-UnclePedro
Let me first start off by saying that I think this is a fabulous piece that you've written here. One thing I might change or be more aware of next time is that it is a little verbose at certain parts of the poem, particularly the part '...causing a causal trash...' as well as the rest of the line, really. I see what you were doing with the tone and rhythm of the poem using all of that punctuation, possibly to emphasize the satirical nature of the poem as Erthona suggested, but I think that a few changes might help the poem read a little better. The semicolon in the last stanza which is right after 'These' in the first line doesn't make much sense here. I might suggest replacing that semicolon with a comma, or just taking it out completely. Similarly, the semicolons in stanza 2 could be taken out and replaced with commas.
That being said, I would give this 5 stars! (out of 5)
-UnclePedro