Another Love ( that dare not speak its name) edit 2.edit 1.erthona,ella,chris

[tectak]

Shoot you double posted this thing, which changes my critique. Why are your edits posted as new threads? Nonetheless, it is an emotive poem. Well, the few suggestions I now have on this version are substituting 'hearts afire' for 'hearts on fire' and perhaps consider 'all the remains is risque flattery' for 'all that is left is risqué flattery' and possibly lose one of those 'speak's with a substitution: 'that dare not speak and must not tell'. These address some aesthetics and alliteration more than anything else. See what you think. Cheers/Chris

Hi chris,
thanks for commenting...I rather feel I owe you one
First things first...I DO add to a thread in Workshopping until it gets too ungainly or I make a revisionary edit. New poem, new thread.
"heart afire" is just too archaic for me and may be read as a come'on by a certain contributor. Are you there, Heart?
I cannot see a valid reason for changing to "all that remains" from "all that is left", but no doubt you will explainOh, yes, I see it. Two ises. Thanks.
Now the but.....your note on the double speak I found interesting. I am undecided. Normally, bad word, I would argue against what looks like accidental repetition...but does this look accidental? It was a deliberate reinforcement technique but perhaps has failed.
Watch this space.
Best,
tectak