05-15-2014, 07:53 PM
Shoot you double posted this thing, which changes my critique. Why are your edits posted as new threads? 
Nonetheless, it is an emotive poem. Well, the few suggestions I now have on this version are substituting 'hearts afire' for 'hearts on fire' and perhaps consider 'all the remains is risque flattery' for 'all that is left is risqué flattery' and possibly lose one of those 'speak's with a substitution: 'that dare not speak and must not tell'. These address some aesthetics and alliteration more than anything else. See what you think. Cheers/Chris
Nonetheless, it is an emotive poem. Well, the few suggestions I now have on this version are substituting 'hearts afire' for 'hearts on fire' and perhaps consider 'all the remains is risque flattery' for 'all that is left is risqué flattery' and possibly lose one of those 'speak's with a substitution: 'that dare not speak and must not tell'. These address some aesthetics and alliteration more than anything else. See what you think. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris