Another Love ( that dare not speak its name) edit 2.edit 1.erthona,ella,chris

[billy]

i think you have way too much punctuation re commas, a lot or few of them could go. there's a lot of pain in the poem and it hides just below what ever surface a poem has. it feels a bit over the top but i think that may be more a problem with me than the poem and only mention it here in passing. in general there's a lot of feelings that bubble to the surface and in doing so creates in the this reader a sense of deep loss more than a sense of not getting any more stiffies. (i couldn't think of a better phrase to describe a lower libido) i like a ot of the phrasing and how it stops just this side of too much (apart from the first line)

thanks for the read as always

What is the point of love if not to shine upon the loved;
no heads turn now or open eyed, with quickened breath it feels like there's a clause missing from or open eyed? sorry but i can't make or open eyed work as it stands.
and trilling pulse, flush with the glow of hearts on fire
and blood the fuel? i also have trouble with this question and blood the fuel? it reads more like a statement It is too late to start again, to make new flames
with sticks of green; long years that mellow bright, crisp fruit
are not for me, now I am in my vintage time and should be drunk.
Damned noble rot still sweetens up what ought not tempt me; i'm not sure you need all the me's as it's a given from the language it's about you
though my eyes can still caress, no touch of mine will safely find some nice ca and mi sounds make this line almost perfect for the ear.
that softness once again. With purpose dead, all that is left
is risqué flattery and hope, but no not even that...
for such is not the love that shines. Another hides behind
dimmed eyes, that dare not speak and must not speak;
This is the greatest loss of all, when days with names we can’t recall
begin to count each night away, we best forget not just the days,
but what love ever meant…when last it shone our way.

Tectak
2014


original

What is the point of love if not to shine upon the loved;
no heads turn now or open eyed, with quickened breath
and trilling pulse, flush with the glow of hearts on fire and blood the fuel?
It is too late to start again, to make new flames with sticks of green;
long years which mellow bright, crisp fruit are not for me, now I am in my vintage time .
Damned noble rot can sweeten up what ought not tempt me; though my eyes
can still caress, no touch of mine will safely find that softness once again.
With purpose dead, all that is left is risqué flattery and hope, but no
not even that…for such is not the love that shines. Another hides
behind the watery eyes, and dare not speak and must not speak;
This is the greatest loss of all, when days with names we can’t recall
begin to count each night away, we best forget not just the days,
but what love ever meant…when last it shone our way.

Tectak
2014