05-14-2014, 08:39 PM
Poe, there are some fantastic images herein and I got a real steam-punk quality from your atmosphere, metal works, carriage, top hat, clock, etc.
The majority of the poem evokes more of a paranoid or schizophrenic state of mind for me. I would not recognize this character as clinically depressed, but I am not a psychologist. Nonetheless, you have depicted the character’s imprisoned, isolated and inhibited condition.
Some better line breaks could tighten the piece up. Specifically, the breaks on ‘no’, ‘and’, ‘their’, are weaker ones. Some of the stand alone words and phrases seem haphazard,e.g. ‘guffaw’, ‘sky’. While other lines and unnecessarily long.
Perhaps some things to think about for your next edit. Overall the imagery is great.
Cheers/Chris
The majority of the poem evokes more of a paranoid or schizophrenic state of mind for me. I would not recognize this character as clinically depressed, but I am not a psychologist. Nonetheless, you have depicted the character’s imprisoned, isolated and inhibited condition.
Some better line breaks could tighten the piece up. Specifically, the breaks on ‘no’, ‘and’, ‘their’, are weaker ones. Some of the stand alone words and phrases seem haphazard,e.g. ‘guffaw’, ‘sky’. While other lines and unnecessarily long.
Perhaps some things to think about for your next edit. Overall the imagery is great.
Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris