05-14-2014, 07:17 PM
[quote='ChristopherSea' pid='148263' dateline='1398958139']
tectak/crow/Brownlie/bbcd edit 5 Thanks folks!
Frankenstein’s Mistress
I did not fabricate the monster; <-----this monster?
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.<----this stanza is a lot clearer to me now
My suspicions about you swelled
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge
prior to your exile,
before you found me.
From your smirk, I surmised
these others gulped down
the honeydewed words
and alluring glazed lines
you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves.
I imbibed, but fought
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway.You must leave
my home to find a another host,
a new junkie.
Better hurry darling,<--separating this out makes it a lot stronger. It clarifies the narrator's liberation.
angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.
As the pieces creator, I'll trust you on the title (pun intended). I can see the narrator reliving breaking free. Nice work.
tectak/crow/Brownlie/bbcd edit 5 Thanks folks!
Frankenstein’s Mistress
I did not fabricate the monster; <-----this monster?
it was already inside you, crawling
beneath your skin. I watched you stalk
trust before knifing it on an evening stroll.
I couldn’t stem the glut of denial
spilling on the walkway
through my fingers.<----this stanza is a lot clearer to me now
My suspicions about you swelled
with each trip into town. Men stared
at you, their eyes incensed,
faces grimacing, as if stricken
by a neural malady. I realize now
they were reliving your scourge
prior to your exile,
before you found me.
From your smirk, I surmised
these others gulped down
the honeydewed words
and alluring glazed lines
you serve. Intoxication
blinded them to your warped nature
behind a body that's all curves.
I imbibed, but fought
the addiction; your lips, your hips
no longer have sway.You must leave
my home to find a another host,
a new junkie.
Better hurry darling,<--separating this out makes it a lot stronger. It clarifies the narrator's liberation.
angry villagers with torches and pitchforks
are storming the driveway.
As the pieces creator, I'll trust you on the title (pun intended). I can see the narrator reliving breaking free. Nice work.