Organ planet (explicit)

[tectak]

Organ planet

Fuck…Fuck…Fuck… He said grinning.

That’s the dark bile spilling out.

There’s an organ inside, doctors don’t know about.

Spilling acid like burning hot magma in the middle of the self.

Self center that is.

Try to feel your center, well that’s where that is…

Hot burning coal, air suction chokes.

Wolf chewing on a rock.

Cock desperate for cunt.

Piercing erupt volcano.

Sprout on old potato.

That’s where’s from the disease

that eats you from in to out.

One tiny little bite after another.

One beany umbilical cord, held too tight.

A.B

First poem, looking forward to read your critiques!

Hi babe and welcome.
You use one but one old brush to paint this one...and the bristles start coming out in the first stroke: ) Fuck is an overused word in common vernacular but in poetry gives the impression that you can think of nothing better...frankly, this is likely the case in every occurence. To use it three times in an opening line comes across as gratuitous at best ....lacking in depth at worst. So....once you are through the ignominy of a cliched start you launch into the task with vigour but are hampered by that bristleless brush scratching the canvas with thin lines. You end up with a very weak and transparent piece lacking body, depth and texture.
Whatever fine idea you are trying to express just cannot be represented by using poor tools. Get a new brush, dip it deep and get some colour and intensity into the poem. As it is, any critique which could relate to the usual parameters of poetry...meter, metaphor, imagery, grammar, syntax and the rest...is pointless because what you have done here is just not enough to discuss in these terms.
Take a look at the piece and work on ONE central metaphor...as it is, it is what it is and that is very little of substance spread over a large white sheet.
Best,
tectak