Am I a Fool

[milo]

i didn't like the ghost repetition then i did then i didn't...i'm on the fence about it but it is a bit of a bur under ones saddle. that said it's only a small one. i read the peace as an unrequited love story or death of the heart poem. the end rhymes worked well and that's about it, it was an enjoyable poem that could have done with a bit more (it ended too soon to feel it properly)

yes, I do tend to like experimenting with repetition and there is always the question of whether it works or not.

This one was from the very first day of NaPM. It may not be ready for work shopping but I figured if I started others would feel more comfortable doing it. Feel free to offer any suggestions at all, everything is up for grabs here.

Am I a Fool

Am I a fool to see a ghost -
a girl that walks along the coast
as lavender will ghost to grey the 2nd ghost doesn't work too well for me, i wonder if the girl would be better than [the] girl as it implies one and not all or any girl.
and one will turn to none and say,
"am I a fool."

This morning will be spent like most -
the endless days of tea and toast
and living is the ghost of play. i take it back about the 2nd ghost, this third one sort of brings the ghost to life, the 2nd now works
am I a fool?

Two to stew and one to roast -
the spirit’s gone without the host
as night will always conquer day fells a bit cliche, would like to have seen a 4th ghost on the 3rd line and not the 4th

that may be a pretty good catch on the cliche. It is definitely cliche, I thought I might get away with it, though I don't want to say why exactly.

as ghosts of voices fade away
you call me still so I just may. the [i just may] feels too ambiguous.

this observation here may be the most damning. The whole poem hinges on the reader knowing what the narrator "just may" do, and if it reads too ambiguous this is a huge problem. I will have to think on it for a bit to see if a solution presents itself.

Am I a fool? i like the refrain, it really does add to the poem. for me it takes it out of the supernatural into the natural world of people lost such as lovers.

[/quote]

thanks for your comments, billy, they have been very helpful.

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There are elements I like. I think the strongest parts for me are when you mix it up a bit like in line 3 as lavender will ghost to grey. It's the use as a verb that makes it work for me. I mostly appreciate the wordplay in S1. Line 4 for instance is fun to read.

L6 is a Prufrock image I like.

L12 while debatable inverts the expected so good.

L13 I sort of want voices ghost and fade away

No real issues with it.

Just some thoughts.

Best,

Todd

hey todd. I am pleased you picked up on the Prufrock image as that is exactly the line (measured out our days in coffee spoons) I had in mind when I wrote it. It is always surprising and delightful when someone picks something like that out.

"as voices ghost and fade away" just may be brilliant. I wonder if "and fade away" would just read superfluous then, which could be troublesome.

Thanks for your comments.