05-13-2014, 11:00 AM
Hi SBJ,
I would suggest that you spend some time reviewing how to use meter in a poem. When you read this poem out loud you'll hear how awkward the rhythm is with some of the lines--those will be your trouble areas.
The other big issue for me is content. There isn't much that's actually interesting here. Try to think of some aspects of being alone that present the reader with an interesting take or perspective. Poetry like anything else needs to pull in the reader.
This next part felt too abstract and too melodramatic.
All alone in my aching heart
I sob and moan and cry
Wanting so badly
To just be free and die
Below was your one redeemable good line. I like the imagery and that you made an attempt at figurative language. It is a much more effective choice than what comes off as a whiny sob session. More of this please.
The night is silent as stone
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
I would suggest that you spend some time reviewing how to use meter in a poem. When you read this poem out loud you'll hear how awkward the rhythm is with some of the lines--those will be your trouble areas.
The other big issue for me is content. There isn't much that's actually interesting here. Try to think of some aspects of being alone that present the reader with an interesting take or perspective. Poetry like anything else needs to pull in the reader.
This next part felt too abstract and too melodramatic.
All alone in my aching heart
I sob and moan and cry
Wanting so badly
To just be free and die
Below was your one redeemable good line. I like the imagery and that you made an attempt at figurative language. It is a much more effective choice than what comes off as a whiny sob session. More of this please.
The night is silent as stone
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson