05-13-2014, 08:44 AM
Hi guys! Thanks for your comments. I guessed from the lack of comments that this poem was in need of some workshopping.
I totally take on board your comments about disjointedness. Hopefully my description below will make it more clear what I was writing about- I certaintly don't aim for obscureness deliberately.
The poem is about a man driving on a road who sees the sunrise (strike of a match/racing up further grey).
For him the sunrise awakens his desire to be something, or do something important - his drive to live. The burning is about how that desire to do something consumes him(clips through the chatters of the day), but also makes him anxious(sweating).
In the end he is left in his car with the smog(black luggage), driving to his unfullfilled destiny (empty horizon).
But his idea of destiny has become tinged with a sort of sadness(embers and tears meet).
I don't know if that helps at all.
B
I totally take on board your comments about disjointedness. Hopefully my description below will make it more clear what I was writing about- I certaintly don't aim for obscureness deliberately.
The poem is about a man driving on a road who sees the sunrise (strike of a match/racing up further grey).
For him the sunrise awakens his desire to be something, or do something important - his drive to live. The burning is about how that desire to do something consumes him(clips through the chatters of the day), but also makes him anxious(sweating).
In the end he is left in his car with the smog(black luggage), driving to his unfullfilled destiny (empty horizon).
But his idea of destiny has become tinged with a sort of sadness(embers and tears meet).
I don't know if that helps at all.
B